Almost a Decade Wiser

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*A letter to my 18yr old self

Dearest Teenage Kash,

I know that you worry about the future. I know that some days the worry consumes you and rattles a fear that runs so deep that you burst into tears. Worry not, young Kash, life has all but simply begun for you.

You may not have been born into the most normal of circumstances, but what is considered normal these days anyway? The lack of affection you feel from your father is clearly filled by the presence of your mother alone. Make more of an effort to get to know your mother, she is wiser than you give her credit for. Two years shy of a decade later, it is your mother that stands by everything you do, never once saying "I told you so”. Leave the resentment of a bitter childhood behind, it brings nothing but confusion and sadness and yet you dwell over it like you could have made it right. The past should stay in the past. Believe that the worst winter of your soul is over and you have nothing but a long spring awakening to live out for the rest of your days.

Don't fret the little things so much. I know they may not seem little to you but time has the power to heal wounds - trust that all your wounds will one day be healed. Learn to forgive and forget. Don’t say that you do when day by day you relive the horror of trying episodes. Your stubbornness may be an attribute you hold in high regard but it is also the reason you have so much resentment in your heart. People say what they want to say and while not all of it may be true, learn to accept that it is simply their point of view. You are entitled to your own.

Believe in yourself. You already have all that you need to hail greatness. The self doubt you often confront is merely nerves. Once you get over it, you can literally do anything you put your mind to. Write Kash, I wish you would write more. You have such amazing thoughts and ideas that you are too shy to put down on paper. Don't shy away from the challenge to amaze and impress yourself.

Put yourself before others. This one you fail at miserably until it is often too late. Not to sound like a self help book (I know how much they make you cringe) but you are the prize, so take the boys off the pedestal. Learn the difference between compromise and sacrifice, you often get the two mixed up. Once you truly love yourself, you can love another.

Spend your time wisely, because there will never be enough time. You are constantly distracted by the unimportant things in life. Your pop culture trivia knowledge is of little value, so put down the remote and go outside. Fear has also always been the devil on your shoulder. Embrace fearlessness and learn to be more spontaneous, whatever the situation may be. Push yourself Kash, and accept that you are not the timid little princess they all think you to be. Start with rollercoasters (one of your biggest fears growing up) and move on up.

Speak your mind. Sometimes you feel alone because no one around you has any clue what you're on about. That is no excuse to hold it all in. You may not think like those around you but make an effort to listen, the same way you wish others would listen to you.

Spend it all. Money may have been the root to many a sleepless night. At 27, I can assure you, it will keep coming and going. As long as you don't get lazy, there will be a roof over your head and food in your belly so fear not of the future of your finances. The worst worry lines on your face came at an age too young, for a price too much to ask of an 18 year old.

Embrace your body. You never appreciate what you have. For years, you critic and condemn parts about you that you will one day learn to love. Believe that it is these parts that make you who you are. You are beautiful and don't need the validation of shallow men to verify it.

Live. If I only had a single minute with you, I would encourage you to really live your life. Dream big and then run in that direction. You were not cut from the cloth of those who could value a stable 9-5 job. To write, you need constant inspiration. Look closer at things you never thought to look twice at and forego the big pointy arrows that read 'look here'. You miss some of the best views from being distracted by the obvious.

And last but not least, be patient. You hop on one foot for life to fall into place and waste some of your best years hoping and not living. Life has a funny way of working itself out, roll with it.

With all my love,
27 year old Kash